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Rolen: Kalas, what was it you wanted to tell me on the day of your being honored as the Phillies announcer?
Kalas: Remember, the fans hate your guts. Whenever they get a chance, when your bodyguard's not around, they're gonna chase you until you run out of energy, throw you to the ground, and cut you open like a turkey on Thanksgiving day. Whenever anyone in Philly looks you straight in the eye, they don't do it because your famous. They do it to let you know that your a crackhead who needs to have sex with himself. Thanks for comin out on my big day Scott. 
Was that a strike, because the image of Bud Selig prancing around like a little girl just blinded me for an instant. Ok, I've gotta take my mind off that freak of nature right now and get my game plan together.
What's that Reggie? We're the worst team in the national league? Yea, of course we are. We have Russ Ortiz on our team, and he can't pitch if a trillion bucks were comin his way. And we have no talent. Bonds doesn't make effort in left field, he just hobbles on over to where ever he sees the ball when it comes his way and he says to himself: "I should of ran over to catch that one a little slower". Any tsyoshi shinjo just freaks me out. Send him back to Japan.
Rich, I think I know my own team blows.
Sorry Reggie, just wanted to talk about somethin goin on in my stupid career.
Boy, am I making a hell of an effort for this ball. I think I'll catch it and get a bonus for my contract. Wow, I caught that one. I'm the best center fielder known to man. I should get a pedestal to stand on.
Stop bragging. Wait, that was an awesome catch dude. Congrats.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice goin guys, way to knock in some runs.
Oh Jeez we really suck. We're on the freakin Royals. I mean plain and simply we blow. We're never gonna have a winning season. Our manager is Tony Pena. We're owned by a couple or farmers. Our average attendance is down to 20-- 30---------------40 people. We have to face the facts- we cannot be happy about knocking in measly runs. Just let me have my salary and get out of my way before I start losing some more.
Cubs Catcher: we're gonna set up inside.
Pirates hitter: thanks for the tip, now just watch the ball go bye bye.
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